Here is my guide to words and phrases either said by or said to asthmatics and what their actual meanings are (Please note, some are more light hearted than others):
Battle Scars – Bruises and marks on the body from IV Lines, injections etc
When an asthmatic says “Nellie is sat on my chest” – I have a tight chest
Costa – Hospital
When a doctor says “we need to take you ABG, it is a little bit painful” – We are going to attempt to stick a great big needle into your artery, it will hurt like hell and it will probably take us about 10 attempts to get it right, you will then end up battered and bruised.
When as asthmatic says “The little green men are taking me away” – I’m on my way to hospital
When a doctor says “I can’t hear any wheeze” – I don’t know what I’m doing
Prison – Hospital (Intensive care of High dependency)
When an asthmatic says “they are gong for a smoke” – Going on the nebuliser
When a doctor says “Can you just blow into this peak flow metre for me” – I know that you can’t breathe but I want to torture you!
PF – Peak flow
When a doctor asks “I you sure that it is asthma and not a panic attack” – I don’t know what I’m doing
Little Blue – Ventolin
When an asthmatic says “The escape is on” – I will be discharged from hospital later today but it will take approximately 8 hours for pharmacy to sort out my medication and for the doctor to complete my discharge letter
Sats – Oxygen saturation point (percentage)
When a doctor says “Just concentrate on your breathing” – I don’t know what I’m doing
When an asthmatic is told in the A&E department “You will be kept in but there will be a short wait for a bed on the ward” – Make yourself comfortable, you are going to be sat here for hours.
Candy or Sweets – Prednisolone
When a doctor says “I’ll just get my colleague” – I don’t know what I’m doing
During a Spiro test the asthmatic is told “Keep going, keep going” – Keep going until you pass out!
When a doctor says “Your sats are fine” – I don’t know what I’m doing
When an asthmatic is told “I’m going to start you on a course of prednisolone” – You are now going to put on loads of weight and you will never sleep again!
Neb – Nebuliser
When a doctor says “stay calm” – I don’t know what I’m doing
When as asthmatic says they are “Captured” – They are in hospital
SOB – Short of Breath
When an asthmatic in hospital is asked “It’s white and no sugar isn’t it” – So you are back in again!
When a doctor says “Get some sleep” – Lay in bed wide awake all night
When a doctor asks “Have you taken your inhaler ?” – I am stupid!
NFA – Near Fatal Attack
When a doctor says “Calm Down” – I am Stupid