Hospital Admission to Remember!

I have now had too many hospital admissions to remember, obviously most of them are not pleasant experiences but over the years I have had memorable, funny and some scary experiences. I usually try to have a bit of a laugh and a joke with the nurses and as I have got to know them and they have got to know me I have devoloped some good frienships. I can be very sarcastic and take the mickey but it is always done light heartedly and the nurses give as good as they get. 

One of the funniest (or scariest) moments was during an admission a few years ago. Visiting time had finished, my wife had just left and I had just put my earphones in and was starting to watch a movie on my iPad. I was doing this while sitting up / laying on my bed. I was in a world of my own and was getting into the movie. My bed was in a bay of 6, I was in the end bed nearest to the door, there was a young lad in the bed opposite and the other beds were populated by 4 older guys who spent most of the time sleeping. 

The movie was quite enjoyable and I was about 20 minutes in when all of a sudden I felt somebody sit on the end of my bed. I presumed that it was either the lad from the opposite bed who was worried and nervous at been in hospital and I had struck up a friendship with him. I removed my earphones, paused the movie and looked up from the iPad fully expecting to see the young lad there, I was wrong!

The person sat at the end of my bed was an old lady, I later found out that she was 96, she was sat there in an hospital gown which was covering absolutely nothing! She then looked at me, smiled and said to me “don’t worry, I’ll be gentle” she then started running her hand up my leg” I nervously began sliding up the bed in an effort to move away from her. She was very frail and, I could hardly push her off, the more that I backed away from her the more she edged up the better and her hand was moving further up my leg, this was beginning to get worrying and embarrassing. I looked across to the young lad in the bed opposite who had turned from a shy, nervous kid to somebody who was wetting himself and howling with laughter. I asked him press the buzzer to get a nurse which in fairness he did. By the time the nurses arrived this ‘old dear’ had me backed up against the wall at the head of my bed, her hands were now edging under my shorts and I honestly didn’t know what to do. I looked up and was relieved to see the nurses, only to realise that they too were finding it hilarious and were either busy laughing or shouting for colleagues to come and have a look. Eventually after what seemed an age the nurses came to my assistance. I don’t tink that I had ever been as nervous in your life.

The nurses proceded to take the mickey out of me for the rest of the evening. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It turned out that she was in a private room which was opposite the bay that I was in. I can’t remember what she was in for but I was told that she was suffering from dimentia. I thought that would be the end of it but I was wrong, the following morning she walked back into our bay and sat in my bed again, this time though she was stark naked! At least this time the nursing staff were quickly on the scene and promptly took her back to her own room. After that the nurses kept a very close eye on her.

There is nothing wrong with an ‘older woman’ but this was taking it to the extreme, probably the funniest moment was when one of the nurses offered me a condom just in case she came back!

It just sums up my luck, there I was surrounded by pretty nurses in uniform and the only person that I could pull was a 96 year old dimentia sufferer!

Those words that she said “don’t worry, I’ll be gentle” always send a shiver down my spine!

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